TRANSFORMERS 2

First off, I enjoyed the thrill of seeing machines turning realistically into other machines in the first film, I went to see it three times. The first time I was pretty excited by the prospect of giant robots turning into helicopters and destroying desert army bases. The second time to admire Megan Fox (but cringe at her horrible acting) and the third time I wondered why I had gone and I actually realised how god awful the thing was. Third time lucky I suppose. Granted, Shia LeBoeuf is funny. But it stops there. I mean, how much propaganda can Michael Bay cram into a blockbuster?

It started with Armageddon back in 98 or whenever it was leaving an actual smell of shit in cinemas across the world. The guys who work in film theatres and have to clean up were being called in midway through the film to clean the giant hunk of shit off the screen but to everyones suprise THAT WAS THE FILM!

accurate recreation of vital plot twist in Armageddon

It couldn't have been any more 'America is the only country in the world that's worth a fuck' if they'd said that the world agreed to send a replica statue of liberty painted in the stars and stripes to the meteor to battle an army composed of space Commies which are threatening good old American democracy. I mean, most of Transformers 2 is footage of the American army gearing up for war. We've got jets being fuelled, tanks rolling around, its basically war pornography. A scene of a soldier making love to an American flag while sobbing gently to convey his intense patriotic happiness would dovetail neatly into the middle of all the blatant bullshit. I felt like leaving after about twenty minutes citing the fact that 'I'm sick of having the capabilities of the US Army shoved down my fucking throat'. Maybe the film is sponsored by George Bush and is the single biggest item of propaganda ever published for mass consumption?


The plot of the film is this: Megan Fox looks good draped across a motorcycle, the Egyptian pyramids need the tops of them taken off, The US Army rock. Even if Micael Bay used a size 32 font and double line spacing, he's doing well to fill a full page of script with that retarded dog shit. Oh and the film was made for a budget of what? 200 fucking million dollars. Let me put that in some form of perspective (if thats even possible). Here are some absolutely cracking films made for a fraction of that budget.

The Host: 11 million
Oh my god, it was made for 1/20th the money and is a hundred billion times better. Squared.

Blade Runner: 28 million
As I list these films that were made for a fraction of the money I am truly realising how bad the 'film' was and at this point I'm using the term film very lightly as '2 hour long propaganda/extreme blatant product placement commercial' is too fucking annoying to type out every two minutes.

Akira: 11 million
An absolute stormer. 11 mil seems to be the magic number as regards film budgets. There is nothing bad you can say about this film and if you do you're just making shit up because it ROCKS. The soundtrack? ROCKS. The animation? ROCKS. The voice acting? ROCKS. The Plot? IT IS THE DEFINITION OF 'IT ROCKS'. Wow, Transformers is shit.

If I watched any of these three films and then put on Transformers 2 I would actually be lulled into a false reality where I am watching a product placement commercial and wondering when the film is about to start.

An argument I've heard that preachs for the positive side (there is one?!) of the Transformers franchise is that its good old fashioned 'leave your brain at home' entertainment. What the fuck does that mean? Maybe they want you to leave you brain at home so you cannot mentally digest the fact that blatant propaganda showers your consciousness every four seconds. Maybe they want you to leave your brain at home because it's not worth bringing. If you slowed down the reel of this film you will most likely find hidden messages about the US war machine spliced in. I know I started getting an urge to take part in some extreme violence about two minutes in.

Oh and I dont know is it just me but Megan Fox is STILL going out with Shia LeBoeufs (does that mean 'The Beef' in French?) nerd character? I mean, even after the post traumatic stress her character had after the first film should have worn off? He's what, about twelve? And she is a woman, a hot woman. Yet she deems it acceptable to go out with for all accounts a twelve year old boy with attention deficit disorder and giant robot friends? Has Micahel Bay written a paedophilic streak into her character that wasn't apparent in the last film? It sure seems that way.


I'm just going to go ahead and compare her, Michael Bay and the Transformers franchise to The Catholic Church in terms of actual organising and imposing a system on the topsy turvy activity of child rape. Oh yeah, THE FILM'S SHIT.