March 31st - Trololollama

The Trololollama is known for its love of running shoes and crazy head gear. It has two mouths so one can sing its favourite song (Trololo) while the other chows down on its favourite food ever. Faces.

Messi

Genius.

March 30th - Cold War Piranha

Cold War Piranha - When the American Army started utilising dolphins to seek out underwater mines the Soviets rolled out the 400 times more AWESOME nuclear missile equipped piranha.

March 29th - Gregor

Gregor, the Communist Dance Instructor at Black Lagoon Dance Studios, believes in a social structure in which dance classes are abolished and expression is commonly controlled. Yeah, whatever Gregor.

These are his fave dance tunes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wl_uQOABxg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_fCqg92qks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vboGDSUGCyY

March 28th - Federico the Nimbo Cumulus

Federico has only gone and bought shoes made of lead, luckily he is an innovator.

March 27 - Rover the Jar Dog

Rover the Jar Dog is a translucent hound from the clinky seas of Zebon 7 on the Dark Side of the Moon.

March 26th - Wall Street Cthulu

It emerged from the black hole in a whirlwind of dollar bills, coiling tentacles and extra dimensional goo. The Wall Street Cthulu was here to stalk the boardrooms in search of profitable business deals and good coffee, all the while turning anyone who comprehended it instantly irreversibly insane (between 9 and 5).

March 25th - Turkish Bareknuckle Boxing Elephant

Turkish Bareknuckle Boxing Elephant - Tough as nails, does what it says on the tin.

March 24th - Oskar the Zombie Supermodel

Oskar the zombie supermodel. Sporting the latest zombie fashion, a compound shin fracture and of course he stills rocks the good old face hanging off look. On this months cover of Zombie Vogue.

March 23rd - Flutterus Infectus

Flutterus Infectus - Develops over one week in biological waste. Thrives during heatwaves. Spreads infection by latching onto victims face and shoving its horrifically long tongue down their throat.

March 22nd - Monster Carrot

Prey to the Highland Bunny, the Monster Carrot burrows about underground at highspeed tearing unsuspecting cows down through the earth to a suprising veggie death.

March 21st - Highland Bunny

The Highland Bunny roams the valleys and bogs of Scotland seeking independence, freedom and monster carrots.

Michael Collins: Guerilla Warfare

Michael Collins was not the genius leader of Intelligence he is made out to be.

March 20th - Hairless Curiosity

The Hairless Curiosity is a rare breed of animal that has no need for food whatsoever. It uses its time smelling out things of interest and attempting to quench its unquenchable curiosity.

March 19th - Smart Car

Sometimes the Smart car gets a little too smart...and eats its owner.

March 18th - Hypnogryff

The Hypnogryff can only make the noise of interference from an old television set. Its eyes, beak, ears and wings combine to hypnotise its preferred food, Blue Whales.

March 17th - Doomsday Slime

Every St.Patricks Day its skull cracks open and shamrocks sprout from the fissure. Visions of doomsday plague the slime as its eyes roll back and white froth foams at its mouth. Also has to endure the collective hangover of the people who are drunk in the world on that day.

March 16th - Farsight Squid

The Farsight Squid is extremely paranoid. Whenever it distinguishes something as a threat it freezes the water immediately around it as a defense mechanism.

March 15th - Scuttle Muscle

Scuttle Muscle - A freeform muscle that tears tortoises from their shells and then moves in.

March 14th - Equilatacarp

A geometrical fish found in tropical waters at the end of rainbows.

March 13th - Melodic Cactopus

The Melodic Cactopus lures prey down into its teeth ringed gullet by means of a hypnotic sea shanty that tells of faraway shores, fresh saltwater mornings and the squawk of mangey seabirds.

March 12th - Nomadic Sentience

It's a floating brain. Its intelligence tentacles examine anything that tickles its fancy.

March 11th - Martian Battle Crab

You wipe the dull red dust from your eyes, your hand feels strange and light in this low gravity. A sound grabs your attention. You turn around. Perched on a sandy cliff sits the Martian Battle Crab. And it's got its war paint on. It roars like a tyrannosaur and rushes towards you. Never mind being on another planet and not being able to breath, now you're definitely screwed.

Multi-Tasking

I've recently found myself wanting to occupy every single bloody thing I do with music. More to the point, I want to clip my iPod shuffle to a loop on my belt and insert the little white headphones in my ears to experience tunes as varied as 'She sells sanctuary' to 'Mein Hers Brennt'. The other day I found myself eating dinner and drinking a pint of water, a daily mundane task. I felt a panic, for some reason I felt uneasy. Where was my iPod? Was I currently occupying all of my senses? Add to that the growing urge to plonk my laptop on my lap and gormlessly shove my mind through the info trough that is the net and you have the symptoms of the modern first world person.

It's the beginning of the climax of Apples marketing campaign. It started modestly with the Mac and went through various incarnations until it thundered into religious territory with the introduction of the iPod. The money spending world is hooking up to ipods. We are uploading an ever growing percentage of our lives to social networking sites, posting inane thoughts on Twitter, just because we can. The world is past being a small place. You only have to log onto Facebook to see how the method of how someone posted a comment to the site is displayed in sleek grey type underneath. How many time have you seen 'comment posted via text' or, and this is the one we all love to hate, 'comment posted via iPhone'. Who doesn't think 'tosser' when they see that? I know I do. Or see two people having lunch and one of them has a blackberry sitting on the table and their eyes guiltily divert to its screen every 3.24 seconds to scan for a new message or whatever the hell blackberrys get. Hell, just having a mobile on me stresses me out to the point that I throw it in my backpack whenever I can. Otherwise I'd just be looking at its screen over and over again or convincing myself it vibrated and I missed it.

As a species we don't have much to recommend us. We are vain, violent, cowardly and insecure. All these gadgets are 'reassurance' devices. Check the screen of your phone. If you have a message, you are wanted, popular even. If not then your black insecure egotistical withered heart might just skip that next beat (which is scheduled for two in the next hour). Then again you can always check your phone in four seconds time.

All these accessible means of reaching the ever expanding single consciousness that is the internet just provide more and more ways for us to feed large organisations who are constantly rabbiting away on new products for us based on the ridiculous mountain of unknowingly insightful opinions we post each day. The human race is being meticulously trained to be the factory line worker of the future, with technological multi-tasking as second nature. Give it fifty years, we'll all be able to phase out of consciousness and log into our augmented cranial hard drive to catalogue our thoughts for the last 60 seconds, and the scary thing is we will not think it strange.

All this busy busy, do this, update that hype tends to send me in the opposite direction. I own a bog standard Nokia phone. Yet I also own an iPod shuffle and a Macbook. And now I have just finished my little piece and, true to my species stereotype, I want to get feedback and reassurance. So here I go, I am uploading it to my blog. I might as well contact the shady human behavioural experts who sit in a darkened room in front of a trillion screens and monitor the Internet, and hand it to them myself with interesting little footnotes scrawled in the margins. But hey, that might mean they comment on my blog.....actually I might just do that.

March 10th - Shrown

The Shrown is found in the jungles of Sri Lanka and Thailand. It flits from tree to tree trying to keep its fez on. Eats leaves, sleeps 23 hours a day and poops out snow.

March 9th - RoboButler

RoboButler is designed to cater to the needs of the modern married couple. Ideally it will walk the dog, do the dishes and mow the lawn. Some reports of it attempting world domination and establishing a robocentric dynasty that operates on the assumption that mankind can be honed to a single consciousness are wide of the mark. Also comes in pink, green and plaid.

March 8th - Thistle Maw

Native to Scotland Ireland England & Wales the Thistle Maw lives in bogs. It typically dwells in sink holes and eats unsuspecting passersby.

March 7th - Never Never Whale

The Never Never Whale does not exist. It has never been catalogued. It has never been seen. It has never been documented. It has never signed on the dole. It has never washed up dead on a remote shore in New Zealand.

March 6th - Scowler Penguin

The Scowler Penguin is 18 feet tall and has the highest density of any living thing on Earth. Eats icebergs. Consumes one every month. Could be a metaphor for global warming.

March 5th - Snatch Monkey

The Snatch Monkey shares traits with some scorpions and many pirates, note the hooks for hands and even tip of tail. A high swinging danger with an eye for treasure!

March 4th - The Fluorescent Grey

This bird is mangey and depressed. And its beak is too big.

March 3rd - Stabbing Stinging Sticker

The Stabbing Stinging Sticker is a queen wasp found in the dense jungles of Borneo, eats orangutans and small white rhinos.

March 2nd - Rubix Chameleon

A small monster, this one has the traits of a chameleon and can morph into any arrangement of colour. Will consume real rubix cube so it can take its place, much like a cuckoo with eggs in another birds nest.

March 1st - Purple Pube Monster

The purple pube monster crawls from drains in swimming pool changing rooms when enough stray pubic hairs have clustered. The chlorine from the pool is behind the strange purple hue. Changes size dramatically depending on amount of hair that clusters.